December 29, 2006

A Myspace Marriage

They met on Myspace. J attracted him with her Bull Riding skills (or at least the picture from the zoo). They make a great couple. Its exciting to see them make that lifelong committment to eachtother. I like when I can see my friends make good decisions and be happy. Congrats you guys!

As more of my friends take this step, it really makes me want to do the same. Like any girl, I desire to find the guy that will love me forever for who I am. It will happen. Maybe I'll catch the bouquet tonight, but I know I'm up against some serious competition. In the last year, so many of us have gotten out of college party, stay up to 4 am, do homework an hour before its due, fun before work mode, and turned into mature adults... well, we're trying at least. Schools over and we want to take the next step.

December 25, 2006

Christmas Present

Today has been a good day. Typical Christmas morning. I woke up and my sisters were all excited about opening presents. I think having kids in the house makes the Holiday more fun. Although I've been looking forward to giving my family their presents. I always try to think of things they will enjoy. My mom always asks for kitchen stuff (so she can work) and my dad for tools. I like when I find that gift, that isn't so much something they need, but something they like.

Even though I miss the big family gatherings where I see my cousins whose names I barely know, its nice having a day where we can just relax. With my extended family all far away we don't have any pressure to go see this person or that person. I do feel bad for my sisters who haven't gotten to experience the tradition of sneaking into the part of the house that is "off limits" and trying to figure out who is dressing as Santa Claus that year. One year when my mother was a child, she went with her cousin, Robin, who didn't figure out it was her own father.

I've always found it intersting how different people celebrate. I've known people who barely acknowledge the day and others who go all out. I like to be somewhere in the middle.

December 12, 2006

Snow Globe

My life is a snow globe. I'm the snowman in the center, with everything swirling around. Its the same things that have always been there, but they are changing positions and I can no longer relate to them in the way I did before. They are moving and changing. I want things to land, then I can learn to relate again, but until they do, I'm stuck in the confusion.

I have friendships that are in a precarious position. My relationships are changing with these people. I really care about those I call friends, so it hurts when there is discord.

The church that I was so excited about, has really disappointed me. I don't know what to do. I want to use wisdom, but that isn't always easy when emotions are involved.

I just want things to fall back into their place. I don't like the swirling, its making me dizzy.

December 8, 2006


For so long I have desired to be a part of different groups, sometimes I was accepted, other times I had to start my own. I think its a basic need of most people to feel included. They want to find somewhere they belong, where they are accepted.

Churchs are infamous for having groups. Usually, they have the group who does all the work and the group of people who only show up on Sunday. The leading group is usually very cliquish, just like highschool. Anyone new who joins has a hard time breaking into that. I once heard that 10% of the people do 90% of the work in a church. I believe it, but the part of that stat I have a problem with is the 10% doesn't give the 90% an opportunity to contribute.

Opportunity is key. If a need arises and the 10% just solve it without giving others a chance to help, they are hurting the 90%. Not everyone always jumps up and says "Me first!" Think back to elemenatary school, there was always that kid who raised their hand with the answer, but often times the teacher would call on someone else. The second kid may have something great to contribute, but is reluctant or thinks they don't matter. A good leader will see the potential in the non-pushy people and give them an opportunity to shine.

The point of all this? People need to be INCLUDED. Don't exclude people, because someone else volunteered first. Don't leave people out and make them think they don't matter. Good leaders know how to step back and give everyone an opportunity to become an important part of the group.

Update: You can read Stew's comments on this post at his blog.

December 6, 2006


Well, I did not meet the 50,000 word requirement. I only got 1/5 of the way there. Which isn't too bad all things considered. Next year, I will start on the first and have it better planned. It has been kind of fun reliving my senior year. I don't think my writing was really quality, it will take a lot of editing before I'd let someone read it. Introspectively it has been neat to see how much I have changed. While I still have a sence of adventure and love to have fun, I realize that I have really matured over the past year and a half.

This November has just been so hectic. Work has changed from an easy job, where I always finished my stuff and got to help someone else, to me having to ask for help myself. (Which I hate to do). Maybe, I can get a raise or promotion out of it, but probably not. I am really not as dissatisfied as I sound. People around here have been showing me respect and treat me as an authority on credit card issues at least. Somedays I'm also the personal IT for my co-workers. "Tanya, do you know anything about scanners? Tanya, where did the button to click on to send my e-mail go?" I don't mind, usually they are easy problems to fix. It seems like my willingness to learn new things and work hard has given me more value. Now if only that value would trade into $$.

November 26, 2006

Just Forget the World

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
-Snow Patrol
Sometimes, I really wish that you could just ignore everything and everyone. I wish I could just be me, now, not worrying about the future. Can you imagine how simple life would be if you could just live in the present? Not just in the present, but in your own little bubble, where your actions just affect you or those who you chose to let into your bubble.
I don't hate the world or anyone in it. Sometimes I just want to be free from expectations, from obligations, and from commitments.

November 18, 2006

Grinds my Gears

Know what really Grinds my Gears?

This sign on the highway. It says Bryan ROAD. Why is ROAD in all caps? Do they not know that all caps is the text way of yelling? AAAHHHH. See you knew that was supposed to be loud.

I can understand wanting to put an emphasis on something. If the sign read BRYAN road, that would be okay, but nooo, some misinformed person wanted people to yell ROAD every time they drove by. Who emphasizes that word? Its like saying the wizard OF oz. No one cares about the "of". Its just there to connect the cool Wizard part with the Oz part. Why ROAD? tell me. Tell Me! TELL ME!! Its BRYAN road! ! !!!

And that, is what REALLY grinds my gears.

November 17, 2006


My life is complete. I finally got a BOC from after more than a year of wishing, hoping, and staying up till midnight every night (just in case). Hopefully something interesting will be inside. :D

November 9, 2006

Gmail update

How cool is this? My gmail updated and has a reply box up top? I love my big brother!

November 3, 2006

What a Novel idea!

Since November is National Novel writing month, I decided that I would give it a try. Why not? I like to write, and what a great thing to accomplish. The challenge is to write 50,000 words by the 30th of November. I think I can do it. If not at least I will have tried. The site encourages you to write for quantity rather than quality. You can always go back and edit. At some point I will put up what I have, but for now you will have to wonder.

My novel will be borrowing stories from here and will Chronicle my life. I think its semi-interesting enough and I can make a story. My starting point is my senior year of college. We will see if I can make a book on that. If you have any suggestions I would appreciate them. Also, I need a title. The working one is "It Should Have Been Easy".

October 26, 2006

He says it better

Andrew Peterson (on of my favorite musicians) says it all better than I ever could in his Journal from Oct 22, 2006.

I've noticed lately that a common refrain in my prayers is that God would untangle my mind. For as long as I can remember I've had this itch at the back of my brain that something just isn't right in there, and that that something has caused me a lot of problems. Aside from the fact that, from a theological standpoint, I'm broken and on the long road to holiness, my brain is and has always been a dysfunctional organ.

When I pray, my mind wanders almost immediately. I can start off praising God for His goodness and mercy and by the time that first sentence is through I'm already mentally zipping through the cereals in the cupboard, wondering which one I should eat today. For a long time I wrote my prayers down in a journal, not so much to keep a tally of which prayers God had answered, but so that I could try to wrestle my flighty thoughts to the ground and keep them from running away from me. But my hand cramps after a few pages of writing, and I've misplaced a couple of journals that were laden with deep, dark secrets. It horrifies me that those journals are somewhere out in America, being perused by some jerk who isn't decent enough to mail it to the address on the first page. (Can you tell it upsets me?) So I don't do that so much anymore.

I don't like writing these things, because I'd rather portray myself as some beard-stroking, pipe smoking genius with barely enough time to write down all that's in his shining mind. If you function under any delusions that the guy who you hear singing his songs on your CD player is any smarter, better, or holier than you, think again. I'm not fishing for compliments, or hoping that anyone will coddle me for being down on myself. That's not what this is. I'm just appalled sometimes at how very, very fallen I am, even after years of encountering the maker of the world in very tangible ways. I take comfort in how pig-headed the apostles could be, even after years of eating, sleeping, walking with the Man Himself.

So Lord? Untangle my mind. Help me to see the logical end to my train of thought, that I might live in truth and not illusion. Help me to value time with others more than time with the next episode of Lost. Help me to fight tooth and nail against this culture of celebrity and wealth in a world where children are dying in the rubble of some terror blown city. Help me to recognize my attempts to deceive myself into believing that I can function without You. Help me to be who You want me to be, no matter how scary that is. Madame Guyon said that becoming more holy and drawing near to You was like water evaporating and rising to the clouds—it has only to let You do Your work. The impurities will fall away as I transform into who I am meant to be. Bring the good work you started in me to completion, and soon, because these days I can hardly bear to be myself.

October 23, 2006

Thomas and a Green Egg

Yesterday, my Aunt had her first baby!! It was a boy, which is suprizing considering that she came from a family of four girls and my mom has three. They named him Thomas. Its going to be cool to have a cousin on that side of the family. Until now, we had been the only grandkids. I can't wait for my Aunt and Uncle to send pictures.

Arie, finally decided to lay an egg. Hers are green! Now, I'm going to have to get some ham, just so I can recite Dr. Seuss as I eat my food. I'm sure my family will love that! But I won't eat them with a fox or in a box.

October 16, 2006

Craig and his List

If you have ever been on Craigslist you know that they have ads for just about everything. One section is "Missed Connections". People place ads that are usually something like
"I saw you at the grocery store. We were both eyeing the apples, we held each others glaze for just a minute. I thought you were attractive and I wanted to ask you out, but instead of being cool as a cumber, I chickend out.
I hope we have a chance of meating again."

I like to read them, because I find them interesting. People entertain me. Anyways, I read one that was written about a girl who works at my company. I wasn't sure if it was one of my co-workers, but it looked as if it might be. So I emailed the writer. It turns out he is in another building and I didn't know the girl. Still, he told me who she was and I sent in an e-mail to her with a link to the ad. It was really complimentary, but he couldn't ever really date her. She still thought it was sweet and it made her day. I wish I worked in the same department just to see who the people were. Thats my story of playing semi-matchmaker. The end.

October 15, 2006

Marshmallows, Eggs, and Chicken

Mosaic had their yearly trip to the country. We ate marshmallows on smores, roasted hot dogs, and went on a hayride. It was a good time. I like to be outside. I don't do it nearly enough. I spend too much of my life in front of my computer screen doing nothing that matters. We had worship around the campfire, I like to worship when the setting is pure and unadorned by all this extra stuff. Even the words. I sat next to AN today and usually she is responsible for the projector, which makes it hard to worship on your own, but tonight she was able to be free from that.

The chickens have started laying this week. Everyone has dispensed at least 2 eggs in the chicken fort except my Arie. I think she must just be a late bloomer. Hopefully soon she will start laying. I'm excited to see what color hers will be. still it is exciting to be about to go out and collect them. The chickens are a good pets. There is just something really cool about having hens in your yard. They make me happy.

We had a funeral for Emet today. It was so sad. I liked our cockatiel's, although he wasn't my favorite pet. I was still pretty upset because last week he died on my watch. My family was gone and I was watching him when I came home and found him lying down ( which birds don't do). I felt really bad, like it was my fault, even though I knew it wasn't.

I looked at a condo today. It was an open house actually, but I had looked at one two doors down yesterday and I wanted to compare. I really like the location. Its about 10 minutes from my parents house and 15 from work. There was one that had a "chicken kitchen" with wallpaper that I really liked. It was sold. I was so disappointed. I don't quite know what to do about a new home. I could get a house or a condo townhouse. The condo would be bigger and probably nicer, but with a house I would not have an association fee. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'll find another one in the "chicken kitchen" condo neighborhood, and live there.

October 2, 2006

Just because my hair isn't blonde

doesn't mean I don't do dumb things.
An old story I found from my Cracker Barrel days.
I was waiting on this table with 3 guys who all ordered sandwiches for lunch. They looked like professionals probably worked at one of the local businesses. So anyways I gave them their food and asked if there was anything else they needed. One of the guys asked if we had miracle whip. Now let me just say that I was pretty busy at the time, so I was thinking about 100 things at once. I told him that we didn't have miracle whip, but we had whipped cream. He just looked at me like I had lost my mind, which I had. Maybe I set it down on one of the other tables. I really wondered why he wanted whipped cream to go with his sandwich, but I've learned people have weird tastes. So when I realized that he meant mayo and not whipped cream I told him we did have that, and I brought him some. He never said a word about my dumbness, but I had a good laugh over it later.

September 25, 2006

Hillary vs Oprah

I'm thinking about a presidential election between these too ladies. Who do you think would win? Were I a betting person Oprah would have my money.
"Heavens, no! It could get supoenaed. I can't write anything."
She is afraid to write things in case she has to go to court. Have you seen her hair? Wonderful. Hillary is just the woman for the white house. Oh wait. She was there already.
Oprah is a real person, born in good ole Mississippi. She was poor, but you don't hear her whine about it. She worked hard to get to where she is. Some people really follow her. Its crazy, but true. She has charisma, which Hillary lacks.
Don't think I am an Oprah worshiper or anything. I just think it would be intersting to see, who would win.
Leave your vote in the comments.

September 22, 2006


Today the Finance dept. had their annual picnic. It was rather exciting, because I had the opportunity to be on the planning committee. A good networking opportunity. Plus, I managed to get to be the photographer. GG let me borrow his fancy camera, so I at least looked professional (even if I'm quite greatful for photoshop, when it comes to the pictures). It was fun going around getting to talk with people I might not normally. I even managed to snap a few shots of people who couldn't relax for even an afternoon and were on their blackberries.
Before the picnic, I had an inteview over in the Marketing dept. I am not quite sure what to think about it. Over a month ago, I put in an application for a position. About a week later it was taken off the website. I assumed they found someone more experienced to fill the job. Then last week I got an e-mail saying they wanted to meet with me. So I happily went to meet with them. I dressed professionally, smiled, asked questions, did all the good inteview stuff. They told me they had it narrowed down to 2 internal candidates and 2 external, but the way they said that, it sounded like I was not one of them. Still, they took the time to meet with me. My guess is perhaps there will be something in the future? I hope so.

September 10, 2006

A lot of Stuff

This weekend has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Its been so full of ups and downs.
Friday, I found out my closest friend is moving far, far away in a couple of months. I am so sad. We are really close and have been through a lot together. Not many people know me so well. I don't often let people see the Tanya underneath. Few have seen me cry. We have spent whole days together and still are friends. I can deal with the move, I just wish it wasn't so far. Its hard to imagine never seeing eachother in person again.

I got to see Andrew Peterson in concert, which was cool. I love his music. He also gave me a hint and I now know the secret to The Far Country.

Saturday we had "orgainic church" which is exciting to be part of something good. I went to look at a couple condos which has become a Saturday afternoon activity. On the way, mom and I started talking about relationships. She's was telling me things I need to hear, but didn't really want to. She has given me perspective. There are things I thought that I could deal with, but it isn't what I always said I wanted. Is it worth it? It could be, but I don't know. In time I could, but if the answer was No I would feel horrible having taken his time. I already feel guilty, like I am leading him along, when really I am just confused. I can give good relationship advise to others, My own life is a lot harder. I know he would say he didn't mind giving me time, but that doesn't make it the right thing for me to do. I don't always like to take my mom's advise, but on this one she is looking at it from someone who has been in the same situation as he. So I should listen. She actually seems more concerned about him than me.

Sunday morning I was so positive. It felt like things were coming together. Like this new chapter was finally going to happen. My fingers are cramped from having the pen poised ready to write for so long, but these words aren't coming. I'm still stuck at the end of the previous chapter. Its not that there is anything left to say, the new one is still in the works.

I took my dad to see the condo. This was supposed to be my new home. It had a big walk in closet in the master bedroom, wood floors in the kitchen and dining room, new carpet in the rest of the house. The basement was finished. It had 4 bathrooms! I don't know what I would do with four bathrooms, but it was nice. My dad and sisters approved. I liked the location. The only problem? Aluminum wires (for those of you who don't know, that is bad, very bad, like good chance of burning down bad). The night before I prayed that if it wasn't the condo I should purchase God would put up a roadblock.

I didn't want this roadblock. I wanted to get it. I am so ready, its just so frustrating, because I thought this was it. Now, I'm back to the beginning.

We talked, I didn't like what I felt compelled to say, but I think it was the right thing for me to do.

September 8, 2006

Ode to my Big Brother

I have never talked much about my Big Brother. I want to write this ode to him since he takes such good care of me. He knows my thoughts and gives me relevant ads. He knows that I like to communicate with my friends so he gives me chat. Since my memory is not always the best, he saves these chat logs for me in my e-mail account.

He gives me a journal, so I can tell the world what goes on in this pretty head o'mine. Big Brother also lets me put pictures on here, my life story needs illustrations sometimes. Plus, my friends can leave notes to help my in my journey.
Big brother wants to help me find my way in life. He does this by making maps galore! Not only does he have maps, but he has satellite surveillance. That way when I look for a new house, I can see if the neighbors have a pool. How great is that? I don't lose my way with him to guide me.

He is really smart. Anytime I want to know something, I can just go to him and ask. He is never too busy to answer my questions and keeps records of them, just in case I should ever ask again. What would I do without him?
He can translate things into other languages if I desire. If I want to go on vacation I can take a trip on Earth and feel like I am actually there. I can watch videos. I can read books. I can even go shopping (and he makes sure my information is secrue)! He gives me such joy!!

When George Orwell wrote his book about Big Brother, he made it sound like a bad thing. My big brother is loving and kind (my e-mail space gets bigger everyday and and a built in mp3 player? IT can't be any cooler than that!). George didn't even have the date right Big Brother began in 1996, not 1984. Is it such a bad thing to have archives of my entire life? Not with a big bro like Google.

August 31, 2006


Have I settled? Ye-ah mom has always encouraged me to be "a step above" (not a snobby person, just to work hard and not to settle for less than the best). So I have. I graduated college Magna cum Laude. I'm going to buy a house at 23. I have a certain level of success, but I could be so much more.

Am I a success? I want to be more than just okay. My career is going no where. I need to make a change, but I'm not brave. Its not the hard work that scares me, its actually finding a position that fits me. What if I leave and end up unhappy? Well more so than I am now It was so hard go get a job in the first place. This is not what I dreamed it to be.

Who am I, who could I be? I know I'm a leader. My friends follow me. Why? I have no idea. At work people will come to me for computer help. I may know more than the average person, but many times I'm winging it. I laugh when people tell me they see a charismatic person, because I don't feel that way. I'm still the girl who was never quite cool enough to be a cool kid.

August 25, 2006

2 Seconds of my 15 Minutes

So there is this website that I visit daily called Woot. Each day they sell a different product. There is even a link for you in my sidebar. During the week they will have a podcast with a song about the product, or maybe not related to the product.
Anyways, they have a listener mailbag, about once a week, where they invite people to write in. I thought it would be fun to get my letter read, so I tried to write one that was sure to get noticed.

Dear Podcast Mailbag Reader,

Why do you call it a "Listener mailbag"? I know that in days past we had a Pony Express where mail might actually be carried in a bag. Sadly, though the Pony Express has slowly Gone the Way of the Buffalo. Now, we have Mail Boxes. These letters you get are not even written on paper. Why don't you call it the "Listener E-mail Inbox"? That would be less misleading. Woot! works hard to keep their integerity in descriptions of the products, why should the podcast be any different? When I think mailbag, I think of wax-sealed letters and horses. Neither is true of this e-mail address. I bet you haven't ever ridden a horse. False Advertising! I am so disappointed in you Podcast Mailbag Namer.

A sad, but loyal podcast listener,


One week later my letter has been answered....
Tanya's Wootcast


August 22, 2006


I don't usually post song lyrics, but these remind me of what I've been thinking lately.

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

-Hands Open, Snow Patrol

Now just to figure out what is "right". Is there even a "right" or is it more like a "better" or a "worse"? How about just "different"?
I want to be with that someone who has joy and laughter, who will fit with me perfectly.

August 21, 2006

On my Mind

This past week I have had a lot of stuff on my mind. The conflict has been resolved. It hasn't made things go back to normal, but they are better than they were last weekend.
I feel like Cher (from the movie clueless) after Tai became popular. Its dumb and unfounded, but I'm kinda jealous.
I had a pretty good relationship, but I think I just have to let go. Things are not going to change and I can't spend my life hoping they will.
There is something good for me, but I'm scared. If I do the wrong thing here it will make things complicated. I wish life were simple.
I'm ready for a house. Its all I've talked about for a year and a half. I looked this past weekend, but nothing I saw is "the house". I'm tired of waiting.
I think I've been acting mean. I tease my friends and I don't mean harm, but lately I've been putting a bit of truth in those words. I don't like to see that in me.
My good friends have broken up for good. It makes me sad. They suited each other well.
There has not been any news about the job application. I want to transfer departments and work in a field closer to what I got my degree in, but we're not supposed to contact the HR people and no one has contacted me. No new job and no raise.
I don't have a roommate. I don't know how I'm going to afford my house. Not when the morgage is going to take half of my income, plus there is utilities and other things I will need. I'm going to have to work 7 days a week or find a better job.
Last, I feel like I can't be an adult on my own. I value this person's opinion, but at the same time, I feel as if she encourages me to do what she wants me to do. Not in a mean way. "Suggestions" are usually followed by me, because I want her approval. I just want to find the happy balance between using the wisdom she has and being my own person.

August 14, 2006


I hate this! I did something I probably shouldn't have. My intentions were good; I just wanted to be nice to someone, but it has turned into a big mess. My ONE action has let to conflict between 6 people, and you want to know what I did? Go bowling. Yeah, that simple. Except I took Jo and a relative of Gg. The met, they liked each other, and they have spent much time together.

Now here is why I am at fault. I introduced them, really I just wanted to hang out once while he was in town-Gg doesn't like this part of his family and didn't really want me to have contact w/ him. I felt bad for him because he was on vacation and had been stuck at the house most of the time. Jo came along because
A. We passed right by her house
B. I thought if we brought someone else along it would be less date-like (I realize that a guy and girl can go out, without it being a date, but when neither of them are attached or close friends in the first places, it just makes things look better.)C. Jo gets bored a lot during the week and I thought I was being a good friend inviting her to do something.

Now it has turned into this big conflict. GG is mad at me for hanging out in the first place. I'm mad at Jo for hanging out with him like she has been. That and she called me at 6:30 in the morning to tell me about it. If it had just been bowling it wouldn't be much of an issue, but she made it so much worse, and I know she is not entirly to blame. Still, she is an adult and had to realize it would cause a problem.

I just want everything to go back to normal.
No More Drama!

August 3, 2006

When do you just give up?

At what point in a relationship do you just give up? Should you ever just quit hoping that things will work out? I used to have this theory that after dating for a year, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you should marry someone or not. I do realize that sometimes there are other circumstances, but I don't understand people that date for 6 years, without any good reason to wait (like school).

GG and I dated about 6 months. Didn't see eachother for another month or so, then started hanging out again. So we've had a "more than friends" relationship for about that year. I know what I want. I love him, and like to be with him, but is that enough?

We have major things we disagree about. Like kids and possibly marriage. Just the little things. He isn't anti-marriage, he is just really unsure. Its not that he does't love me, he just has resevations about it in general. As for the kids thing. He doesn't want kids. He thinks he wouldn't be a good parent. I disagree, but I realize that I cannot change him. If he changes it has to be because he wants to. I want kids. I won't be happy if I don't have any. I don't want to be a mom anytime soon, but I want to someday. I just don't know what to do.

It frustrates me. Now we are in a quasi-relationship. I sometimes refer to him as my "not boyfriend". I just wish things were simple. I don't want to give up. I am truly okay with having things as they are right now, for now. I won't be able to have things unsettled forever. One day we're going to either figure this out or quit. I really hope its the first.

Meebo Talk

Guess what? The Mood Ring is getting fancy. Now beyond just commentting on my blog you can instant message me from my blog homepage. Just look over to the sidebar and you will see a box, type in your message and have fun!

July 28, 2006

Out of the Loop

I am really starting to get upset at work. I am never told about meetings. Last Friday I had a meeting, but I didn't know about it, so I missed it and looked really irresponsible. Today we had the quarterly finance meeting. No one told me, so I start my day as normal wondering why things were so quiet around here. Once I realize where everyone is; I go leave, but I was late. A few months ago we had a baby shower for my boss and his wife. I didn't know about it until someone came around saying it was about to start. I didn't go, because I thought it would look really bad if I went, but did not bring a gift. I got him a card and gift certificate later, but I would have liked to go to the party. It just makes me mad. I try to my job well. Then stuff like this happens and I feel like it makes me look bad.

July 27, 2006

Arctic Edge

Its that wonderful time of the year known as VBS. Its the one thing PPBC does really great. I recruited GG to help me take pictures. Its been fun with him there, the church is so clique, I often feel out of place. The kids are cool and I like hanging out with them, but the other adults make me feel so out of place. Last night GG wasn't able to come and I was so lonely. It reminded me why I didn't want to go there anymore.

On the upside I got to see my little Guatamalan girl. She is the same age as my lil sister M. Her family also adopted another girl who is a year older than her. That family has 5 girls from age 15 - 6 and all of them are adopted. The oldest two are chinese and the rest are Guatamalan. They are such sweet kids.

July 21, 2006

The Storm

St. Louis was hit by a storm, which is quite normal for the summer. This one hit downtown pretty hard though and knocked down a lot of power lines. There are a bunch of people without electricity. It went off at my house for about 5 minutes before it came back on. 90% of my co-workers still are in the dark. It makes me have a bit of "air conditioner guilt" for the restful sleep I got in my nice temporate house. To me this was just another summer storm, but to peole that I see every day its a pretty big deal. I wish the power would have stayed out at my house. I think it would be fun to be forced away from computers and tv. Then perhaps I could meet some of the people I have lived near for years.

July 10, 2006

My Office

Since is one of my new favorite shows, I decided it was time to talk about the characters here on the Commons 3rd floor (also known as the step-step children of the company).

First, I will describe the "whisper yellers". One will walk over and whisper yell "I want some food!" Then the one who sits across from me will reply "No! You can't have my food. Go away!" She never does. Instead she stays and they hang out for a while, before returning to work. This happens about twice a day.

Then, we have my boss who likes to forget about me. There are many times, I've heard "Hey Tanya, I have a project for you. I'll e-mail it to you in a few minutes." Two hours later, no project. I can go three days without seeing him and he is only in the next row over.

K - There are few words to describe her. She is outgoing a bit crazy, but in an entirely entertaining way. She is often teased because she likes men, espicially the Bank Recon boss. She also likes to sing, although I'm not so sure she was blessed with talent for it.

World Traveler - has been to every contient. She's worked here for about 10 years and is really nice. The go to person when you have a question about something. Also, she helped me a lot my first few weeks on the job.

The Complainers - my cube used to be right next to one of them. It drove me crazy. These whiners can never be happy. Everything is a bad thing that was constructed just to make them unhappy and give someone else a benefit.

Mary Kay - she sells it and while she is not pushy, she does mention she sells it. I always feel bad for not wanting to spend $20 on a tube of lipstick or attend one of her events.

M - One of the few people who visits my desk. She is part of the credit card team. She is somewhat of a free spirit, likes to travel. She's a middle aged lady who is still somewhat atheletic and loves to laugh.

TK - Used to sit across from me. She is the organizer, we had nacho day because she thought it would be fun. We also trade hot tea bags sometimes to experience different flavors. One of the more friendly people here, she talks to everyone.

June 26, 2006

Can I ask you a question?

Dangerous words. Or not. Depends on the question asked. What do you do when a good friend wants something more? I don't know. You can't say "yes" because you are not emotionally able to have a relationship with anyone except GG. Still, once it has been asked its out there. You can go back to normal, but that will still be in the back of your mind. Sometimes I just can't help but think Big Brother had it right Ignorance = Bliss. Thats not really true in all circumstances. The feelings will still be there on one side and questions unspoken can never be resolved. Having things unresolved could be worse than getting the answer you don't want. Then again maybe not, just depends on the person.

June 20, 2006


My mom has started coming to small group with me. Its nice getting to spend time with my mom. I love her a lot. I like doing things with her. The problem is this: I can never be as good as her. I may be better educated, but she has studied things on her own. She can remember prices at the grocery store and know what she will pay at the checkout, I'm doing good if I can remember the gas prices on my way home from work to add onto STL Gas Prices. She thinks things out better than I. She did better on her ACTs. She can cook. She has accomplished so much and is successful, espcially considering what little help she was given.
I just want to be Tanya without the mom sometimes so I can shine.

June 14, 2006

GG's Birthday

Today was the big 21 for GG. I went over to his house and straightened his hair. It looked good that way. If only I could convince him to wear it like that all the time. I was good and came home in time for my curfew even though people were telling me I should have just said I wasn't coming home. They did it with their parents and now after they pushed the limits they don't have the restrictions any more. I wish I could have stayed. Its just the fact that I wanted to be there with everyone. It bothers me, my parents know it bothers me. I feel like pushing the limit and not coming home, but I can't do that to my parents. I know its just because they love me, but I feel as if she is not going to let me grow up. Sometimes its like I'm suffocating. When I was a teenager I always thought my parents didn't understand. Now, I can see that they were teenages to and they do. I respect them because I live here, but I sure don't like it.
Where oh where is my house.

June 10, 2006

On the Verge

I am so frustrated. I feel like I am just waiting for things to happen. For the past year I have been talking about buying a house, but now that it is time I don't even know what to do. Do you contact a realtor first or get pre-approved for a loan? Who is even going to give me a loan, because all ESI pays me is peanuts?

I did not go to college to make $10.50 an hour and work in finance. Before I went to school I had $20k saved up, I should have bought my house then, but noooo I had to get educated. Too bad it hasn't done a bit of good. My 10 year old sister is capable of doing most of my work. Its so boring. If I weren't allowed to listen on my headphones to books and music, I'd have gone crazy long ago. Its a good company and I have good benefits, I just want to earn a decent wage. I make more money waitressing, plus I enjoy myself a lot more at BE.

Life is just stuck at this point. I'm so discouraged. Today my mom and I were in St. Charles and we saw some cute townhouses. I jumped out of the car to grab a info flyer and they were $193,000. I can't afford that and it was a townhouse. This is just so dumb. I need to do something.

May 31, 2006

And so its decided

The past couple days Knight has been asking me questions about how I feel about him since we've been dating for about a month. I told him that I liked him, but he was expecting me to be more attached at this point. He feels like we didn't get to spend a lot of time together, which is true. But you have to take into account that I work six days a week and still live at home so I have family commitment. I saw him more than I have any of my other friends. I also talk to him on the phone more than anyone else too, since he is a big phone person.
Anyways it was decided mostly by him, that we would just be friends. Maybe sometime in the future things will be different, but now they're not. I'm fine with this. I was not in any hurry. As much as I want things in my life to happen, I'm also learning to be content with where they are.

May 25, 2006


I am sick. Pride goes before a fall, just last weekend I was bragging how I didn't get sick all winter. With all the vitamins and the 4H tea I take I thought I was just so healthy. Since I'm me though I've still been faithfully attending work. Why can't I take a sick day like normal people? I guess I'm just weird like that. I'd have to be throwing up to not go into work. My mom didn't raise a wimp.

May 19, 2006

Pros and Cons

What do you do when you are mixed up?

I still see gg. We hang out. Things between us are no longer ackward. They're quite good actually. We haven't really resolved any of the things that caused us to break up, but we acknowledge that the attraction is still there. I know him better than anyone else does. We're good for each other. We balance out our personalities. He needs me and I need him.

This would all be fine, I could live with thigs like that. I was happy to let it be unresolved for a while hoping that at some point we could come to an agreement.

BUT Knight and I started hanging out. We're dating. I can't commit to him at this point in time for two reasons. One. I thought I was over gg, but I'm not. I don't know that I even want to be. Two. When/if we do make a committment, I want to be sure that it is right. Honestly, right now I don't know that it is. He has all these good points, but somehow it feels strange. Maybe thats because of gg, or maybe its because Knight and I aren't ment to be. I should be happy to have found a guy who likes my family, has a good job, wants kids. EW said it best when he commented that knight can be "slightly annoying". He calls me. A lot. A whole lot. I don't need to talk to him 5 times a day. He wants to hang out with me (which is good), but he wants to see me more often than I have time to spare. He stopped by my house even to see if I wanted to go to El Shaddai ranch with him after I had said all week that I wasn't going to do anything with him on Friday night. At this point it time I don't want to spend too much time together or else things will start moving too fast and I don't want to make any decisions right now.

April 29, 2006


So we had a good trip to City Museum tongiht. Knight and I left early so I could be home in time for my curfew, then the rest of the group met us there later. Several of the people were C.M. first timers, so it was cool to see the wonder on their face. Everytime I go I discover something new. It was interesting since it was the first "date" between knight and I.

We've known each other for like 10 years, and even tried dating when we were younger, but well it just didn't work out. Anyways, about the same time that gg broke up with me his girlfriend broke up with him. We started talking and hanging out some, and well... it seemed like a good idea.

Knight is a good guy. He refers to my parents as Mr. and Mrs. He is a strong Christian. He was homeschooled. He is going to law school next year. He's cute enough. We think the same way about a lot of things. He is a smart choice.

April 18, 2006

What do you do?

I care about my friends. I know a lot of people, but don't have very many close friends. I've had some go and do things which I could see were destructive, but beyond giving the occasional advice or being there to help pick up the pieces, I can't do much about it.
Once I had a conversation with someone who lost sleep because of a friend, who was in trouble. I couldn't understand it. Until now. Its hard when you see those you love hurting. I wish I could pass on my "Pollyanna perspective" on life. I care about people even when they don't want me to. Its who I am and what I do.

April 17, 2006

Things I've learned (in relationships)

What is wasted time? What would make a previous relationship worthless? I don't know. What I do know is that I have learned different things from different people.
  • I've learned that at 16 you don't know anything.

  • I've learned that it is okay to date, for the fun of dating when you are too young to get married. You have to know that is what you are doing when approaching it or else it turns into a big mess.

  • I've learned that while Mom doesn't have to love him, the same way I might, her opinion counts.

  • I've learned that committment is a good thing, but only when its to a good person.

  • I've learned that no matter how much I want something it can't be forced.

  • I've learned that I can deal with more stuff than I thought, and sometimes it is worth the stress.

  • I've learned that I don't always have to be so independant; there is nothing wrong with letting the guy do things for me. This was a hard one.

  • I've learned that just because someone is nice, it doesn't mean they are good.

  • I've learned that I have to let go of things when they are not right, even if I don't want to.

  • I've learned that I need to make a guys respect me more. That there is some value to standing up for myself even when it does cause conflict (and I hate conflict).

  • I've learned that you can love someone and still not be with them, and it is for the best that way.

There are many other things still left for me to figure out, but I'm at a point where I've been thinking a lot about things. Right now there is so much that is unsettled. Writing it out helps.

April 14, 2006


Kids. now? later? never?

God commands us to have them, to keep the human race going. First command He gives Adam, but they sure can make things complicated. Just the idea of them, makes relationships hard. Its just one more thing to figure out.

April 10, 2006

The Goose

I do not like Canadian geese. They are mean; they are dirty; you don't get to eat them. What's the point?

We have a goose couple that decided on of the little islands in our parking lot would be a good place to make a nest. The mama goose has been sitting on her eggs for almost two weeks now. Everyday in my office people have to look out the window and check on her. Her husband goose takes good care of her, bringing her food, and protecting her. Its sad how many of us woman wish we could find a man as good as that husband goose.

Now to explain my dislike of geese. When I was 11 years old, my parents had to sign some paperwork to buy our house. It was boring so my mom and I were waiting in the car for my dad to finish up. There was this big field that looked like a good place to do some cartwheels and run around. I saw a big goose so I ran towards it to scare it off, but instead of running away from me it ran towards me. I was so scared I started running back to the van, but before I could get there this goose jumped up and placed both of its feet on my back and knocked me down. Never has my mother seen me move so fast, I was like the flash, I was back in that van before she could even get the door open.

April 7, 2006

My own comic strip

So there is this webside called where basically every day they offer a different product. What sets this one apart is they usually offer a discription of the product that is less than flattering, but its quite entertaing. They also have a daily podcast where you get to hear a two minute song about whatever they're selling and a contest every weekend. This weeked I posted on the message board, because it was a contest that caught my attention. Then I got made fun of in comic strip form. It a good think I can laugh at myself.

April 2, 2006


What should you do when your brain and your heart are telling you to do two different things?

March 30, 2006

Theories on Life

Not much has changed recently. I've still been pretty busy with work and more work. I finally got internet access at home. I can go back to myspace and play foe at home. Yay!

PGE (perfect guy except) and I have become pretty good friends since orientation. Now to explain the name. We have a lot in common, weird things like growing up in Chi town then moving to the stl area. We have similar tastes in music. He loves Jesus, but he has a daughter and was married. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about that, but I am not ready to be a mom, even if its just a step mom. I want a break from children, maybe I sound a bit selfish in saying that. I just feel as if I already raised some kids, because there is such the age difference between me and my siters. I'm more responsible for them, I changed lots of their diapers, I listen to their kid problems. I just want a couple years to enjoy being me and not have all the responsibility that comes with kids. When I get married I want to be selfish and keep my husband to myself for a while, before we start a family and the whole dynamic of our relationship changes.

I feel old. When I go back to MoBap and visit my friends there its slightly ackward. They are wanting to do the same things as me last year, acting the same way I acted. Instead of wanting to join in, I find myself standing on the outside. I see how inmature a lot of it is. Still I can't say that to them, because it was me last year. Sometimes I am afraid that others follow my example in negative things I have done. I apologise to anyone I have lead astray, it was not my intention, I was lost myself. Its tough, I am in a different world, I am a different person than I used to be. I have mellowed quite a bit. I'm not so sure how I like this new Tanya. We'll see.

Slowly I am starting to realize that I cannot fix my friends. There are people I care about a lot, who I have a long shared history with. I want to be able to fix things for them, or at least encourage them. Its hard. No one seems to want to change, there are those who are a happy in their misery. What do you do with a person like that? It hurts me to see them behave that way. I don't lose sleep over it, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I think I try to push things sometimes. Maybe things that shouldn't be pushed, just becasue I feel compelled to do something, I have a hard time sitting back and watching, but maybe as a friend thats just what I have to do.

March 20, 2006


Today I got a nice break at work. I had orientation which was a bunch of boring stuff, but I got a nice long lunch and a break from the usual cpcc. I also made some new friends. An interesting friend who I have bunches of things in common with. Life might get interesting again.

I feel so bad for gg. It seems he's dropped off of the planet. I pray for him everyday that he will be able to get things worked out, but at the same time I am making myself give him space and let go.

March 14, 2006

Back to boring

I got a new job. Except its my same old job. Now however ESI writes my paychecks instead of the temp agency. I got a tiny raise. Thats nice.

I'm kind bored with stuff. This used to happen a lot more when I was in school. Ususally about halfway through the sememster, espicially the spring sememster things would just get boring. At least then there would be things like spring break to break up the monotony. Now there is no such luck.

I work too much. 6 days a week. Sometimes more. Why? Why not? I have goals - like buying a house and this is the only way I know how accomplish it.

I feel like a loser. Espicially at chruch. Isn't that horrible. PPBC is so cliquish though. I went on a mission trip (which is usually a bonding experience) with the pastors daughter and she doesn't even talk to me if we see eachother in the hall. No one mentions my haircut. When I'm sad and sit for quite some time staring into space no one even thinks to ask if I'm okay. I can't wait until the AWANA year is over. Then I will leave the chruch and shake the dust off my sandals as I do. The people there have good intentions, but intentions get you nothing.

I miss GG. I really am trying to be mature about things and give him time and space, but I feel so incomplete without him. Even when we weren't hanging out together there was just this bit of security that I had because I knew he cared about me and now its gone. I feel like I'm back to being loser Tanya who can't have a real relationship and who lives with her parents. :(

March 4, 2006

Snip, snip, snip

went the scissors as my hair fell to the floor. I decided to get it cut. The only reason I had been keeping it long was for Gg. He decided that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I'm sad. I wish he saw himself the way I see him. I love him a lot and care about him. I don't like his decision, but at the same time I don't want to force him to be with me. I hope he can work through his issues. I miss him so much. :(

February 16, 2006


I'm so sad. Jet Black the Mystery Car was just pelted with hail. I was at work so I had a good view of the hail falling on it. It was so bad, because I watched it happen and there was nothing that I could do about it. :(

February 13, 2006

Shouldn't it be easy?

Sometimes I wish that things were easier. It seems like everytime things are good in my relationship something happens to mess it up. We work through stuff, so thats a good sign. I do consider it worth it, but sometimes I'm afraid to ask a question for fear it might lead to this horrible feeling that I get when he has to think things over. That is not healthy. I shouldn't be afraid to ask questions. I just have to trust God that if its his will things will work out.

January 26, 2006

I went to school for this?

I am so very bored. I'm at work. I have a project I call "Copy, Paste, Click, Click" or cpcc. That is all I'm doing. Its supposedly sending out checks to people with inactive accounts. I could train my 2nd grade sister to do this. I miss doing things that took thought. They only way I keep a hold on my sanity is that I listen to books or music on my headphones. I need a better job. As of today I've worked as a temp long enough where I am eligible to apply for a permanent job within the company. Great. Except I don't like job descriptions. They don't really tell you what you will be doing. I can't do another cpcc job. I'll die.

January 25, 2006

We talked.

We talked. I didn't like what he said very much, but we're still together. The gist of things is this: I want to get married, not next month or anything, but sometime in the semi-near future. Gg wants to go to school first and be able to support a family before he settles down. Considering he hasn't started going to school yet that could be a long wait for me.

I don't want to break up, but neither am I keen on being single forever. While 4 or 5 years isn't forever its a significant amount of time. I have this idea where, if a couple dates for more than a year and has not good reason to wait to get married; they probably shouldn't. I realize that there can be other circumstances, but I have never understood people who date for like 6 years.

I'm not going to say he is "the one", but I really love him. We get along together really well. He fits many of the qualities I would want in a spouse list. Maybe if I were younger I would understand his desire to wait more. I don't see the need. I could help him with college. I already had the experience. How could try to change his mind or deny it of him? Still. I wish he'd think through all his options. He could still get a degree without going to a 4 year school.

He says he is afriad I'm wasting my time being with him. I am not. I consider it time well spent. He makes me happy.

January 18, 2006

I want to talk to you in person

Those are never words a girl wants to hear. Rarely is something like that good news. I am so curious as to what this talk is about. Hopefully it is something that is not a big deal. I love gg so much. I'd hate to have done something that would mess up our relationship. I really really want things to work out. I guess I'll find out tommrow night what its about and until then I'll have to be the trusting girlfriend and hope that nothing is wrong.

January 1, 2006

This is going to sound petty

This is going to sound petty, but (there always is a but) I don't know what to do. Gg loves me, I have no doubt of this. I feel the same way about him.I've only known him 8 months, but we're close. We went to cali together. I got to kiss him on New Years. It was the first time I have had someone to share it with. I was happy. Then ten minutes later I go to kiss him and he turns away. I am entirely confused. Then I have a though. Her.
This girl had known Gg for years. She has a history with him that I can't compete with. He doesn't have feelings for her, but she is his friend. She does not like me. If i enter a room that she is in she will leave. The night he told her we were dating she punched him because she was mad. Apparently she has had a crush on him for 4 years, but never said anything because she thought he didn't feel the same, and he doesn't. Gg doesn't want to rub it in her face that he is with me, which is why he didn't kiss me. He said he has been in the same situation, so doesn't want to be mean to her. Yes, its part of the reason I love him. He really cares about his friends, but what do I do about this girl. I try being nice and talking to her, but she isn't going to get my boyfriend, and I'm afriad thats all she wants. How do I deal with it?