August 31, 2006


Have I settled? Ye-ah mom has always encouraged me to be "a step above" (not a snobby person, just to work hard and not to settle for less than the best). So I have. I graduated college Magna cum Laude. I'm going to buy a house at 23. I have a certain level of success, but I could be so much more.

Am I a success? I want to be more than just okay. My career is going no where. I need to make a change, but I'm not brave. Its not the hard work that scares me, its actually finding a position that fits me. What if I leave and end up unhappy? Well more so than I am now It was so hard go get a job in the first place. This is not what I dreamed it to be.

Who am I, who could I be? I know I'm a leader. My friends follow me. Why? I have no idea. At work people will come to me for computer help. I may know more than the average person, but many times I'm winging it. I laugh when people tell me they see a charismatic person, because I don't feel that way. I'm still the girl who was never quite cool enough to be a cool kid.

August 25, 2006

2 Seconds of my 15 Minutes

So there is this website that I visit daily called Woot. Each day they sell a different product. There is even a link for you in my sidebar. During the week they will have a podcast with a song about the product, or maybe not related to the product.
Anyways, they have a listener mailbag, about once a week, where they invite people to write in. I thought it would be fun to get my letter read, so I tried to write one that was sure to get noticed.

Dear Podcast Mailbag Reader,

Why do you call it a "Listener mailbag"? I know that in days past we had a Pony Express where mail might actually be carried in a bag. Sadly, though the Pony Express has slowly Gone the Way of the Buffalo. Now, we have Mail Boxes. These letters you get are not even written on paper. Why don't you call it the "Listener E-mail Inbox"? That would be less misleading. Woot! works hard to keep their integerity in descriptions of the products, why should the podcast be any different? When I think mailbag, I think of wax-sealed letters and horses. Neither is true of this e-mail address. I bet you haven't ever ridden a horse. False Advertising! I am so disappointed in you Podcast Mailbag Namer.

A sad, but loyal podcast listener,


One week later my letter has been answered....
Tanya's Wootcast


August 22, 2006


I don't usually post song lyrics, but these remind me of what I've been thinking lately.

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

-Hands Open, Snow Patrol

Now just to figure out what is "right". Is there even a "right" or is it more like a "better" or a "worse"? How about just "different"?
I want to be with that someone who has joy and laughter, who will fit with me perfectly.

August 21, 2006

On my Mind

This past week I have had a lot of stuff on my mind. The conflict has been resolved. It hasn't made things go back to normal, but they are better than they were last weekend.
I feel like Cher (from the movie clueless) after Tai became popular. Its dumb and unfounded, but I'm kinda jealous.
I had a pretty good relationship, but I think I just have to let go. Things are not going to change and I can't spend my life hoping they will.
There is something good for me, but I'm scared. If I do the wrong thing here it will make things complicated. I wish life were simple.
I'm ready for a house. Its all I've talked about for a year and a half. I looked this past weekend, but nothing I saw is "the house". I'm tired of waiting.
I think I've been acting mean. I tease my friends and I don't mean harm, but lately I've been putting a bit of truth in those words. I don't like to see that in me.
My good friends have broken up for good. It makes me sad. They suited each other well.
There has not been any news about the job application. I want to transfer departments and work in a field closer to what I got my degree in, but we're not supposed to contact the HR people and no one has contacted me. No new job and no raise.
I don't have a roommate. I don't know how I'm going to afford my house. Not when the morgage is going to take half of my income, plus there is utilities and other things I will need. I'm going to have to work 7 days a week or find a better job.
Last, I feel like I can't be an adult on my own. I value this person's opinion, but at the same time, I feel as if she encourages me to do what she wants me to do. Not in a mean way. "Suggestions" are usually followed by me, because I want her approval. I just want to find the happy balance between using the wisdom she has and being my own person.

August 14, 2006


I hate this! I did something I probably shouldn't have. My intentions were good; I just wanted to be nice to someone, but it has turned into a big mess. My ONE action has let to conflict between 6 people, and you want to know what I did? Go bowling. Yeah, that simple. Except I took Jo and a relative of Gg. The met, they liked each other, and they have spent much time together.

Now here is why I am at fault. I introduced them, really I just wanted to hang out once while he was in town-Gg doesn't like this part of his family and didn't really want me to have contact w/ him. I felt bad for him because he was on vacation and had been stuck at the house most of the time. Jo came along because
A. We passed right by her house
B. I thought if we brought someone else along it would be less date-like (I realize that a guy and girl can go out, without it being a date, but when neither of them are attached or close friends in the first places, it just makes things look better.)C. Jo gets bored a lot during the week and I thought I was being a good friend inviting her to do something.

Now it has turned into this big conflict. GG is mad at me for hanging out in the first place. I'm mad at Jo for hanging out with him like she has been. That and she called me at 6:30 in the morning to tell me about it. If it had just been bowling it wouldn't be much of an issue, but she made it so much worse, and I know she is not entirly to blame. Still, she is an adult and had to realize it would cause a problem.

I just want everything to go back to normal.
No More Drama!

August 3, 2006

When do you just give up?

At what point in a relationship do you just give up? Should you ever just quit hoping that things will work out? I used to have this theory that after dating for a year, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you should marry someone or not. I do realize that sometimes there are other circumstances, but I don't understand people that date for 6 years, without any good reason to wait (like school).

GG and I dated about 6 months. Didn't see eachother for another month or so, then started hanging out again. So we've had a "more than friends" relationship for about that year. I know what I want. I love him, and like to be with him, but is that enough?

We have major things we disagree about. Like kids and possibly marriage. Just the little things. He isn't anti-marriage, he is just really unsure. Its not that he does't love me, he just has resevations about it in general. As for the kids thing. He doesn't want kids. He thinks he wouldn't be a good parent. I disagree, but I realize that I cannot change him. If he changes it has to be because he wants to. I want kids. I won't be happy if I don't have any. I don't want to be a mom anytime soon, but I want to someday. I just don't know what to do.

It frustrates me. Now we are in a quasi-relationship. I sometimes refer to him as my "not boyfriend". I just wish things were simple. I don't want to give up. I am truly okay with having things as they are right now, for now. I won't be able to have things unsettled forever. One day we're going to either figure this out or quit. I really hope its the first.

Meebo Talk

Guess what? The Mood Ring is getting fancy. Now beyond just commentting on my blog you can instant message me from my blog homepage. Just look over to the sidebar and you will see a box, type in your message and have fun!