June 26, 2006

Can I ask you a question?

Dangerous words. Or not. Depends on the question asked. What do you do when a good friend wants something more? I don't know. You can't say "yes" because you are not emotionally able to have a relationship with anyone except GG. Still, once it has been asked its out there. You can go back to normal, but that will still be in the back of your mind. Sometimes I just can't help but think Big Brother had it right Ignorance = Bliss. Thats not really true in all circumstances. The feelings will still be there on one side and questions unspoken can never be resolved. Having things unresolved could be worse than getting the answer you don't want. Then again maybe not, just depends on the person.

June 20, 2006


My mom has started coming to small group with me. Its nice getting to spend time with my mom. I love her a lot. I like doing things with her. The problem is this: I can never be as good as her. I may be better educated, but she has studied things on her own. She can remember prices at the grocery store and know what she will pay at the checkout, I'm doing good if I can remember the gas prices on my way home from work to add onto STL Gas Prices. She thinks things out better than I. She did better on her ACTs. She can cook. She has accomplished so much and is successful, espcially considering what little help she was given.
I just want to be Tanya without the mom sometimes so I can shine.

June 14, 2006

GG's Birthday

Today was the big 21 for GG. I went over to his house and straightened his hair. It looked good that way. If only I could convince him to wear it like that all the time. I was good and came home in time for my curfew even though people were telling me I should have just said I wasn't coming home. They did it with their parents and now after they pushed the limits they don't have the restrictions any more. I wish I could have stayed. Its just the fact that I wanted to be there with everyone. It bothers me, my parents know it bothers me. I feel like pushing the limit and not coming home, but I can't do that to my parents. I know its just because they love me, but I feel as if she is not going to let me grow up. Sometimes its like I'm suffocating. When I was a teenager I always thought my parents didn't understand. Now, I can see that they were teenages to and they do. I respect them because I live here, but I sure don't like it.
Where oh where is my house.

June 10, 2006

On the Verge

I am so frustrated. I feel like I am just waiting for things to happen. For the past year I have been talking about buying a house, but now that it is time I don't even know what to do. Do you contact a realtor first or get pre-approved for a loan? Who is even going to give me a loan, because all ESI pays me is peanuts?

I did not go to college to make $10.50 an hour and work in finance. Before I went to school I had $20k saved up, I should have bought my house then, but noooo I had to get educated. Too bad it hasn't done a bit of good. My 10 year old sister is capable of doing most of my work. Its so boring. If I weren't allowed to listen on my headphones to books and music, I'd have gone crazy long ago. Its a good company and I have good benefits, I just want to earn a decent wage. I make more money waitressing, plus I enjoy myself a lot more at BE.

Life is just stuck at this point. I'm so discouraged. Today my mom and I were in St. Charles and we saw some cute townhouses. I jumped out of the car to grab a info flyer and they were $193,000. I can't afford that and it was a townhouse. This is just so dumb. I need to do something.