March 14, 2006

Back to boring

I got a new job. Except its my same old job. Now however ESI writes my paychecks instead of the temp agency. I got a tiny raise. Thats nice.

I'm kind bored with stuff. This used to happen a lot more when I was in school. Ususally about halfway through the sememster, espicially the spring sememster things would just get boring. At least then there would be things like spring break to break up the monotony. Now there is no such luck.

I work too much. 6 days a week. Sometimes more. Why? Why not? I have goals - like buying a house and this is the only way I know how accomplish it.

I feel like a loser. Espicially at chruch. Isn't that horrible. PPBC is so cliquish though. I went on a mission trip (which is usually a bonding experience) with the pastors daughter and she doesn't even talk to me if we see eachother in the hall. No one mentions my haircut. When I'm sad and sit for quite some time staring into space no one even thinks to ask if I'm okay. I can't wait until the AWANA year is over. Then I will leave the chruch and shake the dust off my sandals as I do. The people there have good intentions, but intentions get you nothing.

I miss GG. I really am trying to be mature about things and give him time and space, but I feel so incomplete without him. Even when we weren't hanging out together there was just this bit of security that I had because I knew he cared about me and now its gone. I feel like I'm back to being loser Tanya who can't have a real relationship and who lives with her parents. :(


Anonymous said...

I know what you feel like and I know how it is. Me and my fiance broke up about a year ago. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life and I felt horrible about myself for months afterwards. I felt that it was somehow my fault and I kept my phone by me at all times waiting and hoping she would call. My calls were blown off as well as my emails. Still I felt it must have been something I did. After a while though it gets better. You move on in life and you feel better about yourself. If you don't feel good about living with your parents, you should get your own appartment. That helped me a lot. I was able to move on in my life. Now I realize that if I did marry her it would have been the worst mistake in my life. Now, I only regret the time of my life I waisted in her. Some day, you may feel the same way. Try to spend some time with friends, talk to people. Not necessarly about what you are feeling but about anything. Working all the time can make you feel worse. The contact with friends really helps. Hang in there Tanya and email me sometimes if you want to talk.

Eric Wilson (from mobap)

Chad M. said...

I know, also, how it feels. I know it's crappy right now, but give it time. How long? Who knows. I'm kinda in the same boat, but haven't had a real relationship for over (get ready) 8 years! I really feel like a loser, and on top of it, I'm living with my mom. And I don't have a decent job to be able to move out, and I'm almost 30. Pretty pathetic, I know. But I still believe God has something good in store for me. And trust me, I get very down on myself about all of it, really bad sometimes. But I still have this hope (however faint it might be) that things will get better soon. I also know the feeling of being alone. I don't even have a church to call home, and it's getting extremely lonely here. But like I said, just keep your chin up, and things will brighten up soon for you. My email is if you would like to talk. I haven't talked to you on email for a long time, it would be nice to talk to you again sometime. Give me a shout. God bless.

Chad (from Andy Peterson board)

Doug Duckworth said...

You will get your own place, and get over pat.

As for the religion thing, its kinda basically in the whole concept of religion, that being hierarchy.