March 30, 2006

Theories on Life

Not much has changed recently. I've still been pretty busy with work and more work. I finally got internet access at home. I can go back to myspace and play foe at home. Yay!

PGE (perfect guy except) and I have become pretty good friends since orientation. Now to explain the name. We have a lot in common, weird things like growing up in Chi town then moving to the stl area. We have similar tastes in music. He loves Jesus, but he has a daughter and was married. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about that, but I am not ready to be a mom, even if its just a step mom. I want a break from children, maybe I sound a bit selfish in saying that. I just feel as if I already raised some kids, because there is such the age difference between me and my siters. I'm more responsible for them, I changed lots of their diapers, I listen to their kid problems. I just want a couple years to enjoy being me and not have all the responsibility that comes with kids. When I get married I want to be selfish and keep my husband to myself for a while, before we start a family and the whole dynamic of our relationship changes.

I feel old. When I go back to MoBap and visit my friends there its slightly ackward. They are wanting to do the same things as me last year, acting the same way I acted. Instead of wanting to join in, I find myself standing on the outside. I see how inmature a lot of it is. Still I can't say that to them, because it was me last year. Sometimes I am afraid that others follow my example in negative things I have done. I apologise to anyone I have lead astray, it was not my intention, I was lost myself. Its tough, I am in a different world, I am a different person than I used to be. I have mellowed quite a bit. I'm not so sure how I like this new Tanya. We'll see.

Slowly I am starting to realize that I cannot fix my friends. There are people I care about a lot, who I have a long shared history with. I want to be able to fix things for them, or at least encourage them. Its hard. No one seems to want to change, there are those who are a happy in their misery. What do you do with a person like that? It hurts me to see them behave that way. I don't lose sleep over it, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I think I try to push things sometimes. Maybe things that shouldn't be pushed, just becasue I feel compelled to do something, I have a hard time sitting back and watching, but maybe as a friend thats just what I have to do.


Anonymous said...

I really have no idea what you are talking about but I am sure you are not responsible for anything your friends are doing.


Slatts said...

I think you can fix your friends, but only if they want your help. Even then, as you know, you are really only an instrument in the healing and growing process.

If we could see how much we affected the world by our actions, I think we would be shocked motionless with responsibility.

The "new" Tanya is still Tanya, a daughter of God, a woman of the greatest dignity. God wanted you to exist, so watch out not to sell yourself short.

Doug Duckworth said...

This god shit is old.

"He loves Jesus, but he has a daughter and was married."

If you believe in jesus, you know he forgave "sinners" if that is what you call this guy. Do not be so quick to condemn unless you are perfect.

Slatts said...

Douglas, you are out of line here. You should read the post again, because it appears you stopped reading after the section you quoted.

Tanya was not casting doubt on the moral standing of this man. Apparently you need to take your own advice on not being "quick" to condemn, because you really missed the point she was making.