Not much has changed recently. I've still been pretty busy with work and more work. I finally got internet access at home. I can go back to myspace and play foe at home. Yay!
PGE (perfect guy except) and I have become pretty good friends since orientation. Now to explain the name. We have a lot in common, weird things like growing up in Chi town then moving to the stl area. We have similar tastes in music. He loves Jesus, but he has a daughter and was married. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about that, but I am not ready to be a mom, even if its just a step mom. I want a break from children, maybe I sound a bit selfish in saying that. I just feel as if I already raised some kids, because there is such the age difference between me and my siters. I'm more responsible for them, I changed lots of their diapers, I listen to their kid problems. I just want a couple years to enjoy being me and not have all the responsibility that comes with kids. When I get married I want to be selfish and keep my husband to myself for a while, before we start a family and the whole dynamic of our relationship changes.
I feel old. When I go back to MoBap and visit my friends there its slightly ackward. They are wanting to do the same things as me last year, acting the same way I acted. Instead of wanting to join in, I find myself standing on the outside. I see how inmature a lot of it is. Still I can't say that to them, because it was me last year. Sometimes I am afraid that others follow my example in negative things I have done. I apologise to anyone I have lead astray, it was not my intention, I was lost myself. Its tough, I am in a different world, I am a different person than I used to be. I have mellowed quite a bit. I'm not so sure how I like this new Tanya. We'll see.
Slowly I am starting to realize that I cannot fix my friends. There are people I care about a lot, who I have a long shared history with. I want to be able to fix things for them, or at least encourage them. Its hard. No one seems to want to change, there are those who are a happy in their misery. What do you do with a person like that? It hurts me to see them behave that way. I don't lose sleep over it, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I think I try to push things sometimes. Maybe things that shouldn't be pushed, just becasue I feel compelled to do something, I have a hard time sitting back and watching, but maybe as a friend thats just what I have to do.