March 30, 2006

Theories on Life

Not much has changed recently. I've still been pretty busy with work and more work. I finally got internet access at home. I can go back to myspace and play foe at home. Yay!

PGE (perfect guy except) and I have become pretty good friends since orientation. Now to explain the name. We have a lot in common, weird things like growing up in Chi town then moving to the stl area. We have similar tastes in music. He loves Jesus, but he has a daughter and was married. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about that, but I am not ready to be a mom, even if its just a step mom. I want a break from children, maybe I sound a bit selfish in saying that. I just feel as if I already raised some kids, because there is such the age difference between me and my siters. I'm more responsible for them, I changed lots of their diapers, I listen to their kid problems. I just want a couple years to enjoy being me and not have all the responsibility that comes with kids. When I get married I want to be selfish and keep my husband to myself for a while, before we start a family and the whole dynamic of our relationship changes.

I feel old. When I go back to MoBap and visit my friends there its slightly ackward. They are wanting to do the same things as me last year, acting the same way I acted. Instead of wanting to join in, I find myself standing on the outside. I see how inmature a lot of it is. Still I can't say that to them, because it was me last year. Sometimes I am afraid that others follow my example in negative things I have done. I apologise to anyone I have lead astray, it was not my intention, I was lost myself. Its tough, I am in a different world, I am a different person than I used to be. I have mellowed quite a bit. I'm not so sure how I like this new Tanya. We'll see.

Slowly I am starting to realize that I cannot fix my friends. There are people I care about a lot, who I have a long shared history with. I want to be able to fix things for them, or at least encourage them. Its hard. No one seems to want to change, there are those who are a happy in their misery. What do you do with a person like that? It hurts me to see them behave that way. I don't lose sleep over it, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I think I try to push things sometimes. Maybe things that shouldn't be pushed, just becasue I feel compelled to do something, I have a hard time sitting back and watching, but maybe as a friend thats just what I have to do.

March 20, 2006


Today I got a nice break at work. I had orientation which was a bunch of boring stuff, but I got a nice long lunch and a break from the usual cpcc. I also made some new friends. An interesting friend who I have bunches of things in common with. Life might get interesting again.

I feel so bad for gg. It seems he's dropped off of the planet. I pray for him everyday that he will be able to get things worked out, but at the same time I am making myself give him space and let go.

March 14, 2006

Back to boring

I got a new job. Except its my same old job. Now however ESI writes my paychecks instead of the temp agency. I got a tiny raise. Thats nice.

I'm kind bored with stuff. This used to happen a lot more when I was in school. Ususally about halfway through the sememster, espicially the spring sememster things would just get boring. At least then there would be things like spring break to break up the monotony. Now there is no such luck.

I work too much. 6 days a week. Sometimes more. Why? Why not? I have goals - like buying a house and this is the only way I know how accomplish it.

I feel like a loser. Espicially at chruch. Isn't that horrible. PPBC is so cliquish though. I went on a mission trip (which is usually a bonding experience) with the pastors daughter and she doesn't even talk to me if we see eachother in the hall. No one mentions my haircut. When I'm sad and sit for quite some time staring into space no one even thinks to ask if I'm okay. I can't wait until the AWANA year is over. Then I will leave the chruch and shake the dust off my sandals as I do. The people there have good intentions, but intentions get you nothing.

I miss GG. I really am trying to be mature about things and give him time and space, but I feel so incomplete without him. Even when we weren't hanging out together there was just this bit of security that I had because I knew he cared about me and now its gone. I feel like I'm back to being loser Tanya who can't have a real relationship and who lives with her parents. :(

March 4, 2006

Snip, snip, snip

went the scissors as my hair fell to the floor. I decided to get it cut. The only reason I had been keeping it long was for Gg. He decided that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I'm sad. I wish he saw himself the way I see him. I love him a lot and care about him. I don't like his decision, but at the same time I don't want to force him to be with me. I hope he can work through his issues. I miss him so much. :(